One evening shortly after he walked in the door, I began rapid-firing information at my husband, full-blown wife mode. He replied, “Whoa. I cannot handle all of that information at once. Penguins are quickly falling off the iceberg.” As a writer, I love creating pictures with words, and instantly that image was seared in my mind. Penguins. Icebergs.
I have a lot of penguins on my iceberg these days. I am a master trying to squeeze as many penguins on the iceberg as possible. I balance them along the edges, maybe even stacking them on top of each other. However, most days I have more casualties that I would like to admit. We all experience times like that, important things sliding off, going undone or not done well in an effort to keep all the plates spinning.
There are however, some seasons that an earthquake hits and knocks all your penguins down and you struggle to find your equilibrium again. Ever been there?
It is no accident that the blog has been silent for a while. Writing is a unique job. It is not simply a task that can be accomplished, at least not for me.
I’m not creative. I don’t sew or paint. I do not decorate with any enthusiasm. I don’t craft or refinish furniture. However, words are my medium. I love crafting a story and communicating emotion through written word. I constantly write in my head (chapters for a book, devotions, blog posts, letters), but sometimes there is just a block between the keyboard and me.
A fellow mom of four and I were chatting one day about work. She’s a nurse. She goes into work and can immediately immerse herself in the tasks of her job, even if the cares at home are weighing on her mind. I envied a job where I could “check out” and just accomplish a task.
Writing for me is difficult when my mind is overwhelmed. It’s not even writer’s block – the words are there – it is just sorting through the sea of emotions and thoughts to articulate them well. For the past few years, I’ve sensed this sea of emotions growing inside me. As the years past and hard times came, it became more than I thought I could bear at times.
People often seem me as competent and quick at organizing tasks; combined with my struggle to say “no,” it often leads to my calendar being overwhelmed. I organize and push my way through, even when I feel like I’m drowning.
When we lived in New York, I stood in a friend’s backyard. I was preparing to move our family on mine own – a decision certainly not of my own choice. After venting my frustrations and insecurities, my friend simply replied as she walked away to help her daughter, “Well, if anyone can handle it, I know you can.” What she meant as a compliment stabbed like a knife in my heart. I felt so alone. With tears rolling down my face, I looked at her husband who stood just a few steps away and said, “Why does everyone think I’m so capable?”
See, I’ve built this wall of “capableness” around myself. I would push through any obstacle to accomplish a task – sickness, sleep deprivation, friendships, people I love. I viewed life almost exclusively through tasks to manage. After 35 years of ordering my life like this, cracks began to show.
On more than one occasion in the last year, I would find myself sitting in my closet, sobbing, a weight of fear and failure surrounding me. Tasks that seemed simple one day, would paralyze me the next.
This past November, I finally sought help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
I was shocked when I heard the word depression. I pictured depression like the commercials portray: someone who can’t get out bed and cries all the time. After all, I only cried in my closet. I couldn’t be depressed. As I grew to accept the diagnosis, I felt a change. I could put a label on what I was experiencing. It didn’t define me. It was a season of life I had to walk through, but it did not have to consume me. It wasn’t who I was.
I have learned much about myself in the past few months as I have walked this road of healing. I hope to share much of it here when I can move it from raw emotion, to a more comprehensible state, but here is one thing I know for sure – I am not alone in this diagnosis. It is a crushing issue for our society and the church is not immune.
Anytime I share my diagnosis, I fear what others will think. Few Christians talk about depression and I have always felt like it was something avoidable if you were growing in your relationship with the Lord. I feared that people would look at me as if I had a “problem.” I have feared that people will view me differently and that the wall of “capableness” that I had so carefully erected would come crumbling down, leaving me exposed. Those fears are all still real to me, but are just beginning to fade as I see light in this dark tunnel.
The light at the end of the tunnel is simply this – I am loved and accepted by God as His child no matter what I do. I can’t earn anymore of His love an acceptance, no matter how hard I try, no matter how “good” I seem to be. I am fully loved and accepted by my Heavenly Father, even in my lowest, ugliest, most miserable state.
If you are struggling with depression and anxiety, I urge you to seek help from a Christian professional. Christ is the hope and the answer. Just because the answer is easy, doesn’t mean it is an easy journey to get there though, I know, but there is HOPE!
Here are a couple of resources I have found useful. I hope you will too.
Depression: The Church’s Best Kept Secret
Louie Giglio’s new book, Goliath Must Fall, is an excellent resource. He also offer’s an encouraging seven-day devotional in which he talks about his own journey. Sign up here.