Illusion of Perfection

Illusion of Perfection

Have you ever had a conversation with someone who their words burn an impression on your mind? Maybe he or she was trying to make an impression, but maybe not?  Maybe the words were just and after thought or an off the cuff comment, yet they forever changed the way your perceived an area of your life?

When we were living in West Point, NY, a fellow homeschooling mom said, “All of my plates were spinning just fine…then we had our fourth and all the plates came crashing down.”  She joked that maybe it was just the high-spirited nature of the fourth kid, but that she had been wading through the mess of broken plates ever since.  Not that things were terrible or even unhappy, but that life as she knew it before, would never be the same again.

At the time, I had just had our third and number four was not even in the realm of possibility.  Fast forward two years and her comment goes through my head almost daily.  I feel the exact same way.  All my plates were spinning pretty good and then – wham – they all came crashing down 17 months ago.  Poor fourth kids, right?  No, it’s not the child – lots of other things change and added to the to do list.  I went from teaching one kid phonics and 1+1, coupled with the easiest, most content toddler ever and a husband that was in grad school two and a half days a week with no other job responsibilities, to two kids in school (one with an ever-growing work-load and swiftly approaching the teenage years and all that go with that), one in preschool,  a little boy who already has one ER visit under his belt is showing me what it means to have a “climber” and a schedule that has my husband at work far more than he is at home. My plates are a mess of broken pieces.

Humans in general, but moms especially, are susceptible to the comparison trap.  This is not a new revelation.  We look at other moms and often think one of two thoughts: either “wow, she has it all together” or “yikes, she looks like she could use some help.”  At least for me, there is often no middle ground.  I think one of those two things.  What’s crazy is that while I’m guessing that door number two (she could use some help) is more frequently the more appropriate response, I almost exclusively look at people and assume door number one.  If I’m at the park with a friend, I tend to assume that her house looks like a Pottery Barn magazine cover, her healthy dinner is prepared, all her baby books are complete and organized on the shelf, and all of her laundry is neatly put away.  Ok, I seriously do have one friend that all of those things are 100% true and accurate, but for the rest of us mere mortals, why do I assume that others moms have everything together and that I am the only one struggling to keep my head above water?

Do I think that our lives should look like a train wreck every day?  Absolutely not.  Scripture presents a picture of a God that brings order and beauty and as believers, our lives should reflect Him.  We should make plans and schedules and white space and whatever else we need to do to create beauty and harmony in our homes and in our families (I Cor. 14:40, II Thes. 4:11-12).  But we moms have got to get off the crazy train.

The Illusion of Perfection has to plague more women than just me.  Authentic, real, genuine, honest – these are all buzz words in Christian circles today. Real life and spiritual maturity happens within the context of relationships.  Relationships that foster spiritual maturity are impossible without honesty.  Do we have to air our dirty laundry with everyone, certainly not.  Do we answer every “How are you today?” with “Well, actually…” Probably not.

Sometimes being honest just means not letting other perceive something about you that isn’t true.  Any volunteers? Ok, so, I’ll start.

People frequently tell me, “I don’t know how you manage everything!”  Maybe they mean all the children, maybe the homeschooling, the writing, or all of the above.  Some weeks we are in the grove and wanna whip out my spreadsheets (literally…I have lots of spreadsheets) and say, “Well, this is actually how I do it.”

Other weeks, many weeks, like this week, I want to cup their face in my hands and gently (or not so gently) say, “I’m not.  I’m not managing everything.  We are all still alive, but rest assured, there are cracks in the ship and I’m just bailing water.”  I’ve yelled at my kids and my husband, my laundry has been sitting on my floor all week (if you know me, well you understand the turmoil this causes me…), and every time I’ve made a meal I’ve had to piece it together because I either ran out of time or I forgot to buy half the ingredients.  Addison started a new online co-op this week and my mistakes left her unprepared for every class.  It’s nothing earth-shattering, but I’ve spent my week putting out small fires and while my to do list piles up.  I’m supposed to be writing a book and weeks like this I struggle to find time to piece together a paragraph.

If you are not a planner or naturally organized, you may look at people like me and think I have it all together.  What you don’t see is that sometimes my perfectly organized spreadsheets are more like a game of Jenga – if one piece falls, the whole schedule crumbles.  When I build no white space in our calendar and then a practice runs late or the kids eat slower than the time allotted or someone just wants me to do A when the schedule says it’s time for B, then all cars on the train start colliding and things unravel quickly.

I look at “fun” moms and long to be carefree and exciting.  I’m the exact opposite of spontaneous.  My kids get confused when we don’t eat what is on the schedule for breakfast.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to feed my kids red dye and not wonder if they are going to get cancer from it one day or give them a donut and not be fearful of diabetes (hear me – I honestly wish I could not think that).  I wish I could throw the schedule out the window some days and play board games all day or have a movie day.

So, what’s my point in throwing all this out on your screen? First, I just don’t ever want to be a stumbling block to anyone.  If I’m going to have this blog and try to be obedient to the Lord in reaching people with the written word, I want it to come from a place of honesty and brokenness with no pretense that I have it all together.   Second, I know I’m not the only person that struggles with wondering how all the other moms have it together except me.

Ladies (and gents…every though I’m not sure that any of you stuck with me this far), our only hope is Jesus.  I pray that I say that in every post that I write.  He is our only source of hope and true renewal.  I think we also need to be able to look in the face of other moms and be real.  We need believers we can walk arm and arm with in this life.  We will have seasons in friendships when we are the source of encouragement for others and we will have seasons when we need others to pour into us a little more.

Let’s drop the façade.  None of us have it all together.  I won’t assume you don’t and please, please don’t assume I do.

Romans 12 is a beautiful picture of how God has made us each unique to come together to form the Body of Christ and be His hands and feet to this world.  Fun moms – I need you in my kids’ lives so that they know they can have cereal even though the schedule says oatmeal.  I need people to encourage them and build them up on days that I’ve held them to too high a standard.  Then, I’ll be here for you to show you the power of a spreadsheet and a meal plan.

Let’s start genuine conversations in this social media perceived perfection world that we live in.  You can start now – share your mom stories of triumph and failures in the comments!